Kali Lasher

Moving my journal

2009-06-02T17:32:31Z

I am moving over to the journal iamdraxia. Please friend me there.

Writer's Block: Theme Song

2009-04-21T05:34:11Z

What song would you choose as the theme song for your life?

I'd probably go with Otep-Perfectly Flawed. Ascension was released at the perfect time for this song, considering the hell I was going through on the inside.

"Perfectly Flawed"

If you do this
If you do this you'll never have a chance to try again.
If you do this you'll never have a chance to try.

It's the same sound
Same sting.
The same collapse
Of every thing.

It's the same slice,
Same blade,
The same lie,
Same ol' vein

My weight
My face
My height
My race
I'm a mistake.

My weight
My face
My height
My race
I'm such a disgrace.

You're perfectly flawed
You're perfectly incomplete
Like cracks in the glass
And faded photographs

You're perfectly flawed
You're perfectly incomplete
Let them come near when
Imperfections will keep you unique

Nothing left to lose, just try again
Nothing left to lose, just try again

Its the same doubt,
The same dream
It's the same sabotage
'cos I'm the enemy

It's the same night
Same day
It's the same parasite,
Feeding on the betrayed.

My weight
My face
My height
My race
I'm a mistake

My weight
My face
My height
My race
I'm such a disgrace

You're perfectly flawed
You're perfectly incomplete
Like cracks in the glass
And faded photographs

You're perfectly flawed
You're perfectly incomplete
A work in progress
Perfection is killing me

A disguise of self-deception
Hides my secrets perfectly
I'm rejecting my reflection
'cos I hate the way it judges me

Don't you do it
You're not even you yet
Don't you do it
You're not even you yet

You're perfectly flawed
You're perfectly incomplete
Like cracks in the glass
And flame full of grass

You're perfectly flawed
You're perfectly incomplete
A work in progress
Perfection is killing me...

Also if I am feeling particularly borderline I really identify with Otep's Invisible.

"Invisible"

Dress like we do,
Speak like we do,
Think like we do.

Obey...

Beneath the cold sun
Watching you walk away
Where my terror runs
In rivers so decayed

I am invisible...
I'm in this mood for days...
Teeth on every wall...
That never go away.

I'm made of blades and flame...
I'm sick and dangerous...
You're my favorite prey
'Cause I hurt the ones I love.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Can't you see?
I'm invisible...

Beneath the Pagan moon
One more prey dies today.
On sheets of flesh and doom
Shivering in endless shade like criminals...
The stain still remains
And I promise you, it never goes away.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Behold,
Feast your eyes as the peripherals explode.

Can you see me now?

The ugly will resign
When the young blood eats the light.
And one day,
This pain could save your life.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Living in the shelter,
Lying here alive...
We're painting submission
Across the shadowed sky...

Fire on the sides,
Burned and bright, has arrived (?)
Lost in flight, on golden molted wings.

Now do you see?

Now do you...

Now do you see?

What Big Cat Are You? (big surprise) NOT lol

2009-04-10T04:24:44Z

You Are a Black Panther

You see through people. You understand others' motives and plans.
You have a knack for predicting the future. You just know what people are going to do.

People are attracted to you. You are naturally able to influence other people's thoughts.
You have the charisma to be a beloved guru or dictator. It's all about how you handle it.

What Big Cat Are You?

What's Your Personality Type?

2009-03-19T06:09:42Z

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

*giggles at kina*

Teeth

2009-03-11T06:14:52Z

Katie is cutting her two bottom teeth. She cried 80% of the day and didn't nap. :(

I feel so bad because I can't make her feel better.

Baby teething=no sleep for mamma.

grrr

2009-01-18T06:08:13Z

I'm feeling pretty damn vicious tonight. Is it a full moon?

Cabin fever? Gah.. I wish I had more friends. :(

Writer's Block: Internal Assets

2008-12-31T07:29:26Z

As the holiday season draws to a close, you might be feeling a little strapped for cash. Would you ever consider selling one of your organs (bodily organs, that is) if you really needed the money?

View 500 Answers

Meh. I suppose I could stand to give up a kidney. I've got two good ones. :)

Mobile Blog

2008-12-19T07:05:00Z

I am so thankful to have my little girl.

I can't believe how selfish I have been lately. I love her so much.

I wish she would stay this little and innocent forever.

Mobile post sent by lilithacacia using Utterli. Replies.

Mobile Blog

2008-12-19T07:04:44Z

I am so thankful to have my little girl.

I can't believe how selfish I have been lately. I love her so much.

I wish she would stay this little and innocent forever.

Mobile post sent by lilithacacia using Utterli. Replies.

frustrated

2008-11-29T05:01:20Z

I'm so godamned stressed,and frustrated I could pull my hair out.

I feel incredibly underappreciated just because I don't have a job. Taking care of katie 24/7 is work.. And I don't get days off.

I hardly sleep, and when I do its broken sleep.

I love her so very much.. But its hard when I do 99.9% of everything for her.

I hate that I'm fat and ugly now too. Ill never ever be beautiful again.

dies

2008-11-08T07:17:07Z

I JUST got katie to sleep. She didn't sleep all day. Gah..

Best Icon EVER

2008-08-08T19:50:43Z

I found this icon doing a photobucket survey...and I just had to make a post to use it! lol

Hormones!

2008-08-03T21:17:12Z

***Disclaimer***- I'm pregnant, 8 months this week, I'm very hormonal and very territorial. Don't take anything I say personally..it's shit I gotta get off my chest before I bite someone's head off.

1. I'm sick of all the skanks who hit on guys who are clearly taken. WTF is up all of your asses, that you think you are so much better than the girl he is already with? Seriously, one of these days you are going to mess with the wrong guy, and his girl is going to tear you a new one... find your own.

2. I'm sick of the dudes who ARE NOT single and hit on other girls telling them how sexy they are and shit... NOT COOL. If you want to be single, then be single...don't be hitting on other girls when you are taken.

3. I am sick of getting dirty ass looks when I go out. Yes, I'm pregnant, but jesus christ....you don't have to stare. I hope my water breaks in public... all over their shoes.

So, I just really hate stupid, inconsiderate, self-centered pieces of shit.

*insert meow-hiss here*

lulz

2008-07-26T03:15:32Z

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.19

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

20 weeks...holy shit..lol

2008-05-14T19:40:47Z

So I am 20 weeks today, according to my last ultrasound anyhow. It's been pretty crazy so far.
They told us we were going to have a girl, and I'm really excited about it. Just a little nervous, because they told my sister she was going to have a girl, and oops...boy. lol
But noone saw any boy parts on the ultrasound.
During the first part of my second trimester, I was feeling pretty good. I got lucky with not having any morning sickness in my first...but I was exhausted constantly. That seems to be coming back now.
And I am not sleeping much. BLAH.
I can feel her move a lot more now than before..which is both really strange...and really comforting, because when I can feel her move I know she is ok.
I'm really nervous and scared about becoming a mom. The kid in me is fighting with the mom in me...and my old self is fighting my new self...it's really odd sometimes. I'm almost 6 months pregnant...its so weird.
I feel kinda lonely sometimes, only because I feel like I am kinda going through this myself. Even though Mike is more than there for me... I have to go through a lot alone. My body will NEVER be the same after this...but I'm pretty sure after I see Katie...it won't matter so much anymore.
I have a feeling I am going to have her in September..don't know why.

My baby shower is August 24th, if anyone is interested let me know, and I'll get your address to invite you :).

OMFG

2008-04-10T08:50:19Z

I am so fucking pissed off...

I think I could rip someone apart with my bare hands right now. Namely a fucking inconsiderate, ungrateful, piece of shit fucking prick.

OMFG.....diediediediediedie.

These Are The Secrets That Kill

2008-03-20T09:24:11Z

So, anyone who knows me...probably has noticed my absence. Not answering my phone, not returning calls, hardly leaving the house...hell...I have hardly left my bed the past few weeks.
About the only way I can explain what the hell has been going on with me is that I've been fighting with myself, mostly my inner demons. Neither side has really been named victorious, however I think I currently have the upper hand.
This is my fight, and my fight alone. I'll talk about it when I'm ready to. Currently, I'm not ready for specifics.
Although I have realized how fucked up my last relationship and my current situation have made me. Going from being in an almost two year relationship to being suicidal (yes I was, but I'm ok.. I swear),to leaving my home, to traveling to Cali, to coming back and getting pregnant....was not...my plan. And I am only being honest...noone could possibly plan the shit I have been through in the past 6 months...or make it up.My self esteem is in the shitter again, and I am trying to get it back...and failing. I quit smoking, and I can't take meds, so I have zero help other than myself. Which is really fucking scary when you are your own worst enemy.
For years I have tried to be my best friend, because I know in the end.. I've only got me. Realistically its the damned truth. I am in no way saying that noone is there for me, there are many people who love and care for me. I am merely stating that no matter what...is a statement you make to yourself...not to someone else. Because no matter what between two people doesn't exist. There are always exceptions.
I am not sure where I am right now. I feel kind of lost. No..very lost. A lot of this comes from me attempting to grow up, when parts of me aren't ready for that yet.
I've got all these insecurities. I'm way too dependant...and somehow too independant. I don't know how to ask for help. And by the time I do, people say it's just for attention. I've gone through a lot of shit,just like most of the people I know.. but when do you say enough is enough..and stop taking the shit? When can a person like me learn to accept love, instead of holding on to pain? Will I ever win a fight with myself, or is this war going to go on forever?
And most importantly...will I ever learn to be happy again?

Because I'm not...I'm really not. But I'm trying...trying to remember what it feels like. What anything but..this..feels like.

So much for no specifics.

Going to California

2007-11-11T05:17:50Z

I debated with myself for quite sometime before posting this. But I do feel as though some people deserve to know why and when I'm going. Because I do have real friends here. Very few.. but I do.

I'm leaving for California December 5th. Not sure when or if I'll be back, because right now there is a plan, but plans can fail.

I am not running away from my problems, but in the same sense I am. I am getting the fuck away from the mediocrity and bullshit I have gotten into. I need to break the cycle, as one person I was once close to once told me.

So for those of you who want to hang out with me before I go, get a hold of me on here. Or if you have my new number call me. There's only a few people I care to spend time with before I take my leave.

LA here I come.

I'm home

2007-07-01T16:28:27Z

and aww man do I feel like shit.

What happened was yesterday, I was sitting at my computer...then all of a sudden, I was on the floor and paramedics were asking me if I could remember my name and all that jazz....I couldn't.
As soon as I stood up and threw up everywhere.. I realized what happened. I had a seizure.

It couldn't have happened on a worse day either. I was supposed to shoot for Dead Body Man 3.. a movie I was looking forward to doing.I feel really bad, I really begged the doctors to let me go home, but they were adamant on me staying.

I was severely dehydrated, and malnourished.
I have to get an MRI soon as well as a few EEG's... I hate those things.
I have no idea how the hell I am going to pay for all this.
On my birthday I lost my insurance, because i was on my parents insurance.
If you can help, please read my last post.

I'm so fucking stressed.

This is how I feel...

2007-06-18T02:05:44Z

"Weak and Powerless"

Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little solace

-A Perfect Circle
And some piece of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
over you

Working my ass off

2007-06-07T03:37:49Z

I have been working my ass off to get content for my new website.
I just finished redesigning it, so when I get all the content I need.. which should be soon.. all I will have to do is upload it.
This makes Kali a very happy girl.

Any ideas for content for an adult website featuring yours truly? :P

Icing

2007-05-17T20:42:03Z

Man do I have a crazy craving for cookies, cupcakes...anything with icing on it...

Not icing itself though.

Damn, I just got a good idea for a shoot...mmm sugary goodness.

Lithium Picnic and SG

2007-02-15T16:53:06Z

CLICK THIS LINK TO READ LITHIUM PICNICS BLOG

Lithium Picnic is one of the worlds most outstandingly talented photographers. His wife apneatic is one of the hottest alt models on the scene. Both worked with Suicide Girls until November last year when they were both fired. Now SG are trying to sue Lithium and take him to court. The story is outrageous - go read the blog and for potential Suicide Girls - take note....this is the site you aspire to be on and it treats it's girls like this....and its top photographer like this.....

Get informed - read the blog and think about it!

Kali Lasher

Moving my journal

Writer's Block: Theme Song

What Big Cat Are You? (big surprise) NOT lol

What's Your Personality Type?

Teeth

grrr

Writer's Block: Internal Assets

Mobile Blog

Mobile Blog

frustrated

*dies*

Best Icon EVER

Hormones!

lulz

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

Meaning

Summary

20 weeks...holy shit..lol

OMFG

These Are The Secrets That Kill

Going to California

I'm home

This is how I feel...

Working my ass off

Icing

Lithium Picnic and SG

dies